I feel like abortions should bother me more
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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