Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
