my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
