I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
