i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Randomize