Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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