This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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