Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
