I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Randomize
