Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
