Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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