So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
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