i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
