I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
