I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
