Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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