I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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