Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
