A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
