Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
