yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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