My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Panties = found
Randomize
