I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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