At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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