I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
