alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
