Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Your dad touched me again.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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