my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
