I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
