Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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