my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
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