he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
