Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Are we still banned from the library?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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