i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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