When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
