i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
