I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
It's shark week go big or go home
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
