The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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