I cut my penus on the lid.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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