nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
"it" just moved
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Randomize
