OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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