I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
