Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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