the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
