And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
