i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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