I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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