"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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