yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
