I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
