I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
