Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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