I'm eating all of the evidence.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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