I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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