There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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