just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
