im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
