Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
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