she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
im six kinds of drunk right now
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
It's blow job season.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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