Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
