She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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